Doctor Who in Welcome to the Jungle

Weighing in at an impressive 800 episodes, Doctor Who has been entertaining audiences for the past 50 years. Yet, despite this vast backlog of content, I know next to nothing about the actual series. For that reason, I’ve decided to watch this unusual show from the beginning, to discover the source of its unique appeal. Come with me as I tackle this daunting sci-fi phenomena from the very beginning in The Complete Doctor Who.

Warning: the following contains spoilers

Last time, we got our best best episode yet. It had solid direction, a decent script, and was driven by a genuinely off-putting threat. This week, not so much.

Now, far be it from me to talk smack about Terry Nation. Dude created the Daleks after all. But, I think we can all agree that sometimes even the most reliable people still occasionally fall asleep at the wheel. And on that note, I give you…

Episode 3: The Screaming Jungle

We start on a pretty promising note, with Susan sinking to the ground, reacting to some horrible noise with her hands clamped over her ears.

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Stranger still, no one else can hear what she’s reacting to. It’s an effective image, one of those great “what the hell’s happening moments” that hooks you in from the start.

Oh, and a quick note before we go any further, the Doctor’s completely absent this week, leaving us with Ian, Barbara, and Susan, along with Altos and Sebetha, their two tagalongs from last time.

So, as Susan descends into her usual hysterics, Ian says screw it and takes off exploring, leaving Barbara the unenviable task of trying to calm Susan down.

They have a little heart to heart, then just as Susan’s starting to level off, they get attacked by a bunch of vines. Susan flips out again, while Barbara insists that the plants couldn’t very well be attacking them because, well that would be crazy right? Totally out of place in a rational world ruled by robots and time lords.

Having just fought off a bunch of killer plants, Barbara does what any sane individual would and plunges into the jungle alone. Instead of more killer vines though, she hits a dead end guarded by what appears to a statue of Snagglepuss.

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Sitting on top of the statue, Barbara finds the micro-key, but when she climbs up to grab it, the statue goes into full-on Fratboy mode and decides to grope her while the whole wall turns into a secret door.

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That’s right, ANOTHER secret door. What is it with this scriptwriter and hidden panels, does he get a bonus for each one he works into the story?

Meanwhile, Ian gets back with the others and begins a frantic search for a way in. He also finds the micro-key lying on the ground. Only thing is, it’s not actually the micro-key, but some kind of cheap forgery.

After far too long, Ian  puts two and two together and realizes maybe he should just do like Barbara and climb up on the statue since that’s what triggered it in the first place. Sure enough, soon as he hops aboard, the statue gets all grabby and Ian finds himself on the other side of the wall. As he steps out, we get what is easily the best moment of the episode, in which he steps on a secret panel, causing a nearby statue to try and kill him with an ax. Then, just at the last moment, Barbara warns him and he ducks out of the way.

As the two of them compare notes, they stumble upon yet ANOTHER immobile door. Ian goes off to look for a way in, but as soon as he leaves some shabby old man just straight up opens the door, letting Barbara in.

She makes it all of four steps, then gets captured by a net.

Meanwhile Ian has found a pretty handsome pickaxe, but when he goes to pick it up, SURPRISE, a set of iron bars slams down behind him.

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Oh, shame on you Ian, falling for the old pickax on a chain bit.

Then, because there really haven’t been enough booby traps yet, a spiked ceiling beings lowering itself toward Barbara.

The shabby old man steps in and stops it and they share an exposition-laden conversation where she reveals to him that Arbitan sent them to retrieve the keys.

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Ian breaks out of ax jail and comes running just in time for old Shabby to get strangled by a plant.

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The old man lies down, begins ranting about the jungle, then promptly dies after spitting out a random selection of numbers and letters.

Poor old Shabby, your dirty clothes and unkempt facial hair will never be forgotten.

Except by Ian and Barbara who pull a blanket over his head, then immediately proceed to ransack his place looking for the micro-key.

They fumble around for a while in his lab when they’re interrupted suddenly by a series of strange whispers. Then, the jungle comes alive and starts attacking them through windows.

In the midst of all this, Ian works out that the man’s dying words were a chemical code. They find the key inside a vial marked with the same code. Then, they zip off with their time dials and find themselves in the midst of some arctic climate. And that’s where it ends?!

Seriously, what the hell is going on with this episode? Was it written using madlibs? The elements just seem to have been thrown together at random. From killer plants to booby traps to a weird old man who dies literally moments after being introduced and none of it’s ever explained. We do get some vague dialogue concerning a nature enhancer, but that’s about it. Why does the jungle whisper? Who is the old man and why is he out here in the middle of nowhere? And while we’re at it, where does he get those fantastic traps?

Sadly, Mr. Nation can’t be bothered to tell us. Instead, Ian and Barbara spend roughly twenty-three minutes trying to circumvent not one, but two locked doors. Not exactly the stuff of great drama.

Maybe the Doctor was right to sit this one out.

Well, tune in next time for The Snows of Terror, featuring whispering flakes of killer snow or something.

Doctor Who in Brain Troubles

Weighing in at an impressive 800 episodes, Doctor Who has been entertaining audiences for the past 50 years. Yet, despite this vast backlog of content, I know next to nothing about the actual series. For that reason, I’ve decided to watch this unusual show from the beginning, to discover the source of its unique appeal. Come with me as I tackle this daunting sci-fi phenomena from the very beginning in The Complete Doctor Who.

Warning: the following contains spoilers

Been awhile hasn’t it? Sorry, I’ve been out of commission for so long, but I’m back with another dose of old school Who.

But before all that. I think a brief recap is in order. Last time, our heroes found themselves on the planet Marinus. There was a sea of acid, killer aliens in black body suits, and a pyramid with a wacky secret door.

Inside, we were introduced to a robed weirdo named Arbitan and his all-powerful computer, a device with the charming ability to override free will. It had been split up into five separate keys that…you know what, I’m boring myself here. If you really want a refresher, go back and read my last post. Me, I’m going to drive right into episode 2, since it’s much more interesting by far.

The Complete Doctor Who: Serial 5 The Keys of Marinus, Episode 2: The Velvet Web

After twisting the dials on their teleportation watches, Ian, Susan, and the Doctor rematerialize before a large door. Barbara is nowhere to be seen and to make matters worse, her travel dial is lying on the ground covered in blood.

The Doctor urges them to proceed with caution, but Ian is having none of that and pushes right through the mysterious door where they stumble into an epileptic nightmare.

As the flashing lights die down, they find themselves in a well-decorated room filled with furniture, statues, and potted plants, or as I like to call it, paradise on an extremely tight budget.

Much to their surprise, Barbara is also there, lounging on a bed in an elegant gown. Turns out the blood on her travel dial was no cause for alarm, she simply got freaked out teleporting through space and scratched herself removing it. Hm, that’s a bit of a stretch isn’t it?

She’s also surrounded by a number of women who proceed to set out a feast for their new guests.

A man named Altos joins them and tells them they are in the city of Morphoton, a place where, “Our one wish is to fulfill your every need,” which I think was a Carnival cruise slogan for a few years.

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Susan asks for a dress made of silk, while Altos promises the Doctor a well-stocked laboratory.

True to form, Ian is the only one who finds this suspicious, but Barbara tells him he’s overreacting and they all go to bed.

And that is precisely where things start to get awesome. 

There’s this creepy ass painting on the wall and just as our heroes slip off into la la land, the eyes light up and a secret door pops open. Seriously, what is it about this writer and secret doors?

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A woman steps out and makes a circuit of the room, placing something on each of their foreheads.

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After she leaves, Barbara rolls over and manages to dislodge it just in time for another assault of light and noise, after which she promptly passes out from pain.

The next day, Ian, the Doctor, and Susan are sitting around drinking juice, because that’s what you do with yourself in paradise, while Barbara remains unconscious. 

Susan finally just gets tired off waiting and goes over to wake her up.

Barbara wakes up and proceeds to lose her shit. Where everyone else sees decadence, she suddenly sees squalor. She insists that everything from the room to their clothes has changed.

The scene is actually really well directed. Most of the sequence is shot from Barbara’s perspective, with the actors staring directly at the camera. It’s a simple trick, but really unnerving.

Shortly after, Altos appears and drags Barbara off to see their “physician.” 

She manages to get away, but blows it when she accidentally stumbles into their dungeon, locking the door behind her. Seriously, where did she think she was going? Hm, this cold, dark room looks like a viable escape option. Think I’ll just storm right in, no need to hold the door, I’m sure this leads someplace perfectly normal.

The best part is that since Altos doesn’t know that she’s already trapped in the dungeon he has to go back and get reamed out by his superiors for letting her go. And by superiors, of course, I mean a pair of brains in bell jars. I’m not even kidding.

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The jarred brains want Barbara found and also insist on punishing the girl who placed the discs on their forehead the night before.

Altos grabs the girl and drags her off to the same dungeon where Barbara is (secretly) hiding. Following the dictates of cellblock etiquette, Barbara strikes up a conversation with her new friend, but the woman just keeps repeating, “I am to be punished.”

Meanwhile outside, Altos takes the Doctor on a tour of his new lab, which is nothing more than an empty room. We get another great bit of direction with Ian and the Doctor reacting to things that don’t exist. 

Back in the dungeon, Barbara finally manages to break the woman out of her spell, learning that her name is Sabetha, the daughter of everyone’s favorite robed weirdo Arbitan. 

Altos enters the cell, FINALLY realizes that Barbara is in there and proceeds to manhandle her until Sabetha brains him with a pot, knocking him out cold.

Barbara stumbles out into the hallway where she runs smack dab into Ian, who is now fully brainwashed. He takes her into the command center where we get our first full frontal shot of the brains.

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They command Ian to “Kill her. Kill her. Kill her,” and he makes with the chokey-choke, but Barbara fights him off, then smashes the brains’ glass cases, killing them in the process.

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Everybody reunites, while in the distance the denizens of Morphoton begin burning down the city. Everyone splits up, because again, that’s worked out so well in the past. The Doctor plans to search for the fourth key, while the rest of the group sticks together.

Susan zaps off to infinity and beyond, only to land in a barren space filled with strange voices. She clamps her hands over her ears, then sinks to the ground in despair.

A decent premise and solid direction make this a pretty solid episode. The show is finally starting to come together and has definitely been on the upswing since the crew started getting along.

Big shout-out this episode to Ian’s fantastic robe, which I’m assuming he got during their trip to China (otherwise the Doctor’s got a really weird wardrobe).

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I especially like the weird lattice work on the buttocks. What a great ambassador for the human race. Imagine never having seen a human being before, only to have one emerge from a British police box, rocking that look.

Well, that’s it for now. Tune in next time as we travel to The Screaming Jungle.

Pluto Trying To Buy Its Way Back To Big Boy Planet Status

I couldn’t resist this – it was too funny and exactly why I have a gripe with Pluto’s non planet status.

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

The Milky Way Galaxy’s Annual Meetings are underway, Modern Philosophers, and the big talk this year is about Pluto’s attempt to get itself reinstated as a planet.

My sources tell me that The Original Eight, as the remaining planets like to call themselves, are giving Pluto’s request serious consideration.

If you recall, Pluto was demoted from Planetary status in 2006.  It is now classified as a “Space Orb Formerly Known As A Planet”.  Quite a mouthful, right?

So what might get the cool kids to change their minds and let the squirt rejoin the gang?

“Money and lots of it,” Councilor R’ao’jai Na, a Galactic Ambassador and my guide to the annual meeting, explained.  “Times are tough all across the galaxy, and the other eight planets are hurting for an infusion of income.  Pluto basically walked into the room, threw a suitcase of cash down on the conference table, and…

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